As midnight struck on New Years Eve, I was excited. 2007 would provide a clean slate and nothing but good things were on the horizon. Boy was I wrong. Two weeks in and I'm in super depression mode and I can't really put my finger on just one reason why. (Oh great, my Blog has just become like all the others where people vent their frustrations at the world at large. Oh well, it had to happen sooner or later right?)
One of the major reasons is that no one leaves me the hell alone! (Including my parents. They don't approve of my lifestyle, as if they need to, and my mother, God bless her, is on some sort of quest to see that I attain some form of physical healthiness. I help pay bills when I can, bring home groceries when I can, and I help them out with just about anything that they ask me to. And yet they always use the "You never do anything around here" line when they get mad at me... simply the most hate-inducing tactic ever devised by parents.)
I need "alone time" (i.e. time to myself to relax, read, write, watch movies, play video games, and have some peace and quiet) and have since I was very young. Though I have a lot of siblings, I was generally the only kid in the house (and still am :-P) . Not surprisingly, that made me sort of a loner and pretty anti-social in my younger days (then again, I was a frequent target for bullies in my grade school, middle school, and high school years, so that sort of fed the need to be alone). Nowadays, I'm not such a loner and I do have a pretty active social life outside of work. I have some really great friends, and a loving girlfriend that may eventually become my wife... when the urge hits me of course. ;-)
But getting back to the whole depression thing, the straw that broke the camel's back and put me in a sour mood these past two weeks is the fact that my best friend from my high school years is about to tie the knot and has basically told me that I'm in his wedding. He didn't ASK me to be in it. Nope, he just assumes that I'm going to take time off from work, drive to New Jersey, rent a tux, and officially see him off to his new and prosperous life. (Note: Even if he pays for the tux, I'm still losing out on a good chunk of change that I can't afford. And I'm very proud when it comes to cash and refuse to accept financial help unless I'm pretty desperate. In this case, I'm only desperate to be elsewhere on the first weekend of June. Plus I have to go to JERSEY. Sure it's slightly better than Connecticut but still.... it's f*cking Jersey!!!!) Financial reasons aside, I no longer feel that we're close friends. We don't keep in touch too often and when he calls me (mainly because I'm terrible at keeping in touch with anyone), half the time he's drunk and obviously pining for the good ole days. As I see it, he's got his own life, I have mine, and he doesn't really figure into my life at the present. I just don't want to be involved with this wedding.
And once he's married, I doubt I'll ever see or hear from him again. In my experience, every friend I've ever had that's gotten married, has pretty much completely disappeared and (inadvertently) severed ties with myself and others. I guess that when you get married, you become part of a special "clique" and only spend time with other couples and leave everyone else in the dust. This isn't true for EVERY married couple (there are some cool ones out there) but I have seen it multiple times and it saddens me. I guess that's also why I'm depressed... that a once very good friend is moving on; that his life is sort of evolving into what people would expect for a young man with an excellent career and beautiful wife, while I'm just sort of stagnating here in the middle of nowhere and hating myself for it.
And this leads into a whole other chapter of depressing thoughts. I'm going to be 24 this year and while most of my former classmates have finished up college, gotten good jobs, new cars, hot wives.... here I am, in my parents' basement, paying debts for a "new" (used) truck and college loans for my one year of higher education at Marywood University (probably the best time of my life, next to the summer before my freshman year of high school). Even worse, I've been working in various jobs since I was 16, and all I have to show for it is a big ass DVD collection. I have no "nest egg" to fall back on if I lose my job for whatever reason, I have no savings, no plans for my future.... ::sigh::
I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I'm in a shitty mood and just want most of the world to forget that I'm here. And I'm sure that those of you that know me well are sort of shocked to read this little prelude to a midlife crisis. (LOL!) I'm generally a really positive and upbeat guy (about 95% of the time), but lately .... I dunno.... I just kind of feel lost. All I've really got to keep me going are my writing and movie collecting hobbies... the two main things that bring the most joy to my life. Sad but true. (Luckily Tara, my long-term girlfriend doesn't read my Blog. If she read that last line, she'd kick my ass. Hahaha!)
Well I just needed to get all that off my chest, I feel a bit better, but I don't know what I'm going to do with this whole wedding thing. Some of you are probably thinking that I'm being an asshole about it, but hey, that's your opinion. I have a lot of things to figure out before I can sleep easy and be myself again.... if you have any suggestions let me know.....
Oh and rest in peace Yvonne de Carlo and James Brown... you two will be sorely missed.... (two more reasons why 2007 has been sucking dick thus far...)
No comments:
Post a Comment