Sunday, January 20, 2008

Cheeziest Fight Scene Ever?!

This is a clip from a Cynthia Rothrock flick called "Undefeatable" and features caucasian actors in mortal combat. Lots of screaming and shirt ripping going on here!

HAHAHAHA! The final one-liner there is awesome. "Yeah. SEE YA!" I'm going to be headed to Scranton soon to spend time with my girlfriend ... well a bit. She has bowling tonight so I'm gonna be watching some FOOTBALL! (<--- John Madden voice) The Big Blue Wrecking Crew are taking on the Green, Gay Fudge Packers for the right to be in this year's Superbowl. Here's hoping the Giants manage to pull off another victory!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Super Mega Youtube Nostalgia Battle of Ultimate Destiny!

What you are about to read is the main chunk of a sudden Youtube battle between myself and my best friend Chris who is currently at Kutztown University (STD capital of Pennsylvania colleges!). What started out as a trip down memory lane turned into a battle of epic proportions. Here is the excerpt of our mighty duel. Warning: Contains foul language, net speak, bad spelling, and a TON of urls to various youtube clips of TV shows from our dark past. There's not much in the way of coherent content, but give the youtube links a visit and see how many of these cartoons, kid shows, and sitcoms you remember! Enjoy!

Session Start (BMovieMaximus:One fist Ninja): Sun Jan 20 00:48:50 2008
[00:48] *** BMovieMaximus wants to directly connect.
[00:49] One fist Ninja: Y DO U WANT TO CONNECT?
[00:49] BMovieMaximus: so I can send you something cool right now.
[00:49] BMovieMaximus: instead of e-mailing it to you.
[00:49] One fist Ninja: WHAT IS IT
[00:50] BMovieMaximus: I found a site full of TV show and cartoon theme songs and I downloaded most of them.
[00:50] One fist Ninja: I DON'T WANT YOUR GAY PORN
[00:50] BMovieMaximus: you're a f*cking pain in the ass Morelli!
[00:50] BMovieMaximus: LOL
[00:50] One fist Ninja: IM THE ADDRESS
[00:51] *** One fist Ninja has received tmnt.wav.
[00:52] BMovieMaximus: I'd give you the site, but I've since lost it.
[00:52] BMovieMaximus: the files are all wavs sadly.
[00:52] BMovieMaximus: so the quality isn't so hot on all fo them.
[00:52] One fist Ninja: GO HERE
[00:52] One fist Ninja: DID U?
[00:52] BMovieMaximus: Warrior without fear!
[00:52] One fist Ninja: YEAAAAHHHH
[00:53] BMovieMaximus: He''s more powerful than any man his legend spreads across the land and seeeeeeeeeaaa. CONAN!
[00:53] BMovieMaximus: remember this?
[00:54] BMovieMaximus: ROFL
[00:54] BMovieMaximus: I heard the theme song in a movie or TV show and I looked it up the other night.
[00:55] BMovieMaximus: Cheezy Transformers rip off.
[00:55] BMovieMaximus: OH sweet!
[00:55] BMovieMaximus:
[00:55] One fist Ninja: GO JOE
[00:55] BMovieMaximus: Hahahaha holy sh*t!
[00:55] BMovieMaximus: My Pet Monster!
[00:56] One fist Ninja: USED TO BE ONE OF MY FAVS
[00:56] BMovieMaximus: yeah
[00:58] BMovieMaximus: lol
[00:58] BMovieMaximus: OH MY GOD!
[00:58] BMovieMaximus: I can't believe I remember this cartoon:
[00:58] BMovieMaximus:
[00:58] BMovieMaximus: I even used to have the toys
[00:58] One fist Ninja: MEMBER THIS????
[00:59] BMovieMaximus: Dude!
[00:59] BMovieMaximus: Tim Curry was Cap Hook!
[00:59] One fist Ninja: YUP
[00:59] BMovieMaximus: BOYEEEEEEE!
[00:59] BMovieMaximus: Oh I was thinking of Peter Pan and the Pirates.
[00:59] BMovieMaximus: I remember this show too though.
[01:00] One fist Ninja:
[01:00] BMovieMaximus: I hated that bird thing.
[01:00] One fist Ninja: GUILTY PLEASURE
[01:00] BMovieMaximus: HAHAHAHAH!
[01:00] BMovieMaximus: so bad
[01:00] One fist Ninja: BUT SOO GOOD
[01:01] BMovieMaximus: Ok, here's one for you:
[01:01] BMovieMaximus: Captain Lou Albano!
[01:01] One fist Ninja: RYAN'S FAV
[01:02] BMovieMaximus: Yeeeeah!
[01:03] One fist Ninja: U KNOW U WATCHED THIS
[01:03] BMovieMaximus: another marvel fave
[01:03] BMovieMaximus: yeah i did!
[01:03] BMovieMaximus: oh wait. sh*t. hahahahaha check this out:
[01:04] BMovieMaximus:
[01:04] BMovieMaximus: Will Ferrell's starring in the film adaptation of this show.
[01:04] One fist Ninja: YESSS
[01:04] BMovieMaximus: LOL
[01:05] One fist Ninja: STINK!!!!1
[01:05] BMovieMaximus: livin' in the land of the lost.
[01:05] One fist Ninja: STINK
[01:05] BMovieMaximus: hahahaha
[01:06] BMovieMaximus: ok, guilty pleasure here:
[01:06] One fist Ninja: OLD FAV COMIC
[01:07] BMovieMaximus: who's the big dude?
[01:08] One fist Ninja: MAUL
[01:08] BMovieMaximus: lol
[01:08] One fist Ninja: U LOVE THIS
[01:08] BMovieMaximus: remember the theme song, but I never watched the cartoon much
[01:08] BMovieMaximus: NOOOO!
[01:08] BMovieMaximus: OH GOD!
[01:08] One fist Ninja: YEAH
[01:08] BMovieMaximus: Flabber! AHHH!
[01:08] One fist Ninja: HAHAHAAH
[01:09] BMovieMaximus: piece of sh*t show.
[01:09] One fist Ninja: U LOVE THE FLABBER
[01:09] BMovieMaximus: Ok, take THIS!
[01:10] One fist Ninja: TRY THIS ONE
[01:10] BMovieMaximus: and THIS!
[01:10] BMovieMaximus:
[01:10] One fist Ninja: NOOOO YOU WIN
[01:10] BMovieMaximus: ROFL
[01:10] BMovieMaximus: oh god.
[01:10] BMovieMaximus: Mystic Knights of Teir na nogue
[01:11] BMovieMaximus: F*ck yeah!
[01:11] BMovieMaximus: hahahaha
[01:11] One fist Ninja:
[01:11] One fist Ninja: EAT IT
[01:12] BMovieMaximus: Hahahahahahha.
[01:12] BMovieMaximus: Zordon!
[01:12] BMovieMaximus: Alpha!
[01:12] BMovieMaximus: Rita Repulsa!
[01:12] BMovieMaximus: hahahahaha
[01:12] BMovieMaximus: F*cking hated Billy.
[01:13] BMovieMaximus: stupid nerd
[01:13] BMovieMaximus: and Bulk and Skull were fags.
[01:13] BMovieMaximus: damn.....
[01:13] One fist Ninja: AMY JO WAS HOTT
[01:13] BMovieMaximus: yeah she was (and probably still is).
[01:14] One fist Ninja:
[01:14] BMovieMaximus:
[01:14] BMovieMaximus: OH GOD NO!
[01:14] BMovieMaximus: I hated this show.
[01:14] BMovieMaximus:
[01:14] BMovieMaximus: ah........
[01:15] BMovieMaximus: how I miss 80s fantasy sitcoms
[01:15] One fist Ninja:
[01:15] BMovieMaximus: hahaha christ.
[01:15] One fist Ninja: I'M SPENT
[01:15] BMovieMaximus:
[01:15] BMovieMaximus: I can keep going.
[01:15] BMovieMaximus: lol
[01:16] One fist Ninja:
[01:16] BMovieMaximus: Oh man....... this cartoon was awful.
[01:16] BMovieMaximus:
[01:16] One fist Ninja:
[01:16] BMovieMaximus: Hanna Barbera killed Godzilla
[01:17] BMovieMaximus: Yes! Battletoads.
[01:17] BMovieMaximus: DUCKTALES!
[01:17] BMovieMaximus: YEAH!
[01:17] BMovieMaximus:
[01:17] One fist Ninja:
[01:18] BMovieMaximus: Yeah!
[01:19] BMovieMaximus:
[01:19] BMovieMaximus: The fighting robot. MEga-Man!
[01:19] BMovieMaximus: Oh wait! I got a good one for you.
[01:19] One fist Ninja:
[01:19] BMovieMaximus: YES!
[01:20] BMovieMaximus:
[01:20] One fist Ninja:
[01:20] BMovieMaximus: hahahaha
[01:20] One fist Ninja:
[01:20] BMovieMaximus:
[01:21] One fist Ninja:
[01:22] BMovieMaximus:
[01:22] BMovieMaximus: Oh how could I forget gadget!
[01:23] BMovieMaximus: oh sh*t man.
[01:23] BMovieMaximus: I got something you won't expect.
[01:23] BMovieMaximus: you ready for this?
[01:23] BMovieMaximus:
[01:23] BMovieMaximus: hahahahaha
[01:24] BMovieMaximus: and this one was a fave of mine as a kid
[01:24] BMovieMaximus:
[01:24] One fist Ninja: ALRIGHT DUDE I NEED SLEEP
[01:25] One fist Ninja:
[01:25] One fist Ninja: LAST ONE FOR ME
[01:25] BMovieMaximus: hahahahaha
[01:26] BMovieMaximus: american gladiators
[01:26] One fist Ninja: YUP
[01:26] BMovieMaximus: ah man...... we have a rich past of cool shows and toons.....
[01:26] BMovieMaximus: hahahah. I still have more, but you go get some rest soul brotha.
[01:27] One fist Ninja: YEAH TIME FOR ME TO FLY
[01:27] BMovieMaximus: hahahaha
[01:27] BMovieMaximus: alirhgt man
[01:27] BMovieMaximus: talk to you later
[01:27] One fist Ninja: YES DEF. HAVE A GOOD ONE AND PEACE
Session Close (One fist Ninja): Sun Jan 20 01:27:52 2008

So I'd say it was a pretty close matchup. Both Chris and I have an extensive knowledge of cartoons and old 80s TV shows. Who do you think won our SUPER MEGA YOUTUBE NOSTALGIA BATTLE OF ULTIMATE DESTINY?! Please, feel free to leave a comment. G'night b-movie fans!

The Cinematic Adventures of the Vault Master: Episode II - Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

After a pretty harsh night at work (no I don't want to talk about it), I decided that I needed some good comedy to uplift my downtrodden spirit. So the movie of choice for the night ended up being "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy." Now, I have a confession to make b-moviephiles... I think Will Ferrell is funny. Even at his worst I can still get a chuckle out of the guy. In "Anchorman," Will plays the title character. Ron Burgundy is the lead anchor of the top news station in Sand Diego, CA. He's a total male chauvinist, loves scotch, and his little dog Baxter too. Ron and his insanely strange news crew are the veritable kings of the hill until a female upstart named Veronica Conrningstone (played by Christina Applegate) is hired at the news station.

Veronica has aspirations to become a network news anchor and has to go through many trials and tribulations with her mostly all male staff. Eventually, due to a dog-punting incident (a hilarious scene featuring a cameo by Jack Black), Ron's worst nightmare comes true and Veronica ends up on the air, only to become an overnight sensation. Though Ron and his idiotic friends attempt to make her look bad, Veronica eventually overcomes her tormentors and destroys Ron Burgundy's career after a hilarious prank. After hitting rock bottom, Ron manages to make a comeback, save his former girlfriend from some cranky Kodiak bears, and achieve his life goal of becoming a network anchor. (Hooray for happy Hollywood endings.)

Well this is one of my favorite goofy comedies and Will Ferrell is at his best here. But its not Will that makes this movie so great; its his gang of misfit reporters that truly makes this movie worthwhile. Steve Carrell is gutbustingly funny as Brick, the station's weatherman. Brick is mentally retarded and has some of the best lines in the film and is guaranteed to bring a smile to even the most jaded "Anchorman" viewer. (LOUD NOISES!) Then there's Paul Rudd ("40 Year Old Virgin") the "ladies man," whose secret stash of colognes includes a nasty concoction called "Sex Panther." (To quote a character in the film: "It smells like Bigfoot's dick!") The final member of the team is Champ, played by David Koechner, a sportscaster that has an unhealthy (and possibly homosexual) attachment to his friend Ron. Will Ferrell may be the lead here gang, but its his three cohorts that really make this movie worth watching.

So its obvious that enjoyed this movie and really I don't have much else to say about it, other than give it a shot. If you're not a big Will Ferrell fan (like my father), then don't fret too much because Steve Carell's antics and dialogue alone should keep you watching. This is one crazy and fun comedy and I highly recommend it. I'm more than happy to give "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" ...... FOUR OUT OF FIVE 'RADS!'

Here are some other comedies that you may want to check out:
The 40-Year Old Virgin (2005)
Old School (2003)
Blades of Glory (2007)
Knocked Up (2007)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Superbad (2007)

Will Ferrell trivia:

Will was chosen over future co-star Steve Carell in 1995 to join SNL. He became the highest paid actor on the show in 2001. Producers were desperate to keep him, resulting in a salary of over $350,000.

Will Ferrell studied at USC in the hopes of becoming a sports broadcaster. He graduated and interned at NBC Sports, but then drew laughs after ad-libbing a joke on-air during one of his broadcasting courses and switched to comedy.

He was ranked #17 on Entertainment Weekly's 'The 50 Smartest People in Hollywood.'

His real name is John William Ferrell; his nickname is Wilf.


Related Youtube Content:
Here is a fan-made montage of "greatest hits" from "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy!"

It feels good to be writing about movies again. Hopefully, I can keep the momentum going! Thanks for reading; keep fighting the good fight cinema fans!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Cinematic Adventures of the Vault Master! Episode I: Hard Target

Hello there b-movie fan, and welcome to the first of hopefully many journeys into the cinematic world that you will see on this here blog.

Now, before I chat a bit about "Hard Target," I would like to explain/discuss a few things. First off, I own far too many movies and TV shows on DVD. Picking something to watch on a nightly basis is pretty tough (yes, I do watch a movie every night after work. It is very rare that I do not watch a film on any given day.). And seeing as how I'm a bit rusty at writing about films (gosh, my last full review at the Vault was done in September of last year!) and could use some new content here on my blog, I thought "Hey, why don't I start writing about all these flicks I've been watching? It'd be a good writing exercise, and could help get me back into the swing of things, since the Vault has been collecting a lot of digital cobwebs as of late."

So this may be the start of something new and exciting, or it could be a fly by night attempt at getting my butt in gear. Either way, its keeping me from wasting my life playing "City of Heroes." :-)

Moving along then, my most recent "cinematic adventure" (a term of endearment given to films by comedian Dane Cook) was 1993's "Hard Target." This film stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as a former covert ops marine (named Chance! Haha!) who is now homeless in New Orleans. Chance's simple life of dumpster diving and living in cardboard boxes quickly changes when a young woman named Natasha Binder (Yancy Butler) shows up waving cash in his face. She is searching for her war vet daddy who also happens to be homeless. Since he's in need of money, Chance takes the case (for a measly $217.00!) and soon finds himself on the bad side of.... Lance Henriksen!

Yup! Old Lancie is once again a villain (a role he excels at), this time playing Emil Fouchon, an entrepreneur who makes his millions by tricking bums and homeless folk into a "Most Dangerous Game" scenario. Victims are promised ten thousand bucks if they can "make it to the river" without being shot by Lance's consumers, namely rich men who want to hunt and kill human beings. As it turns out, Natasha's father was one such contestant and was killed, even though he reached the river relatively alive. (Gasp! The bad guys welshed on their bet?! Whoda thunk it?!)

Along with Lance there's also the viciously evil Pik Van Cleef (played by Arnold "I was Imhotep in The Mummy" Vosloo), and a variety of cannon fodder. Naturally, the bad guys make the mistake of pissing off Van Damme, so he goes on a crusade against them and ends up become their main target. The movie plays out like you expect it to (i.e. Van Damme kicks and shoots his way through every villain in the flick) and doesn't hold too many surprises, except for a cameo appearance by Ted Raimi as well as a small role by Wilford Brimley, who shows up late in the film as Van Damme's crazy moonshine-swilling, arrow-slinging uncle. (Wilford is brilliant in this role. You just gotta love how his faux French accent keeps drifting in and out as he talks.)

"Hard Target" has a lot going for it: A huge cast of big name actors, music by Graeme Revell (who's musical talents helped make "The Crow" such a damned good movie), and of course, the directing talents of John Woo (who has some odd fascination with doves and pigeons). As is the case in most of Woo's films, the gunfights are stylish, but are a lot clumsier than his usual stuff. This is probably because he's directing American actors who are universally known to be less aerodynamic than folks of Asian descent. However, the movie itself is a mess. There's a ton of plotholes, next to no character development, and a slew of 'what the hell?' moments.

Still, this is one deliciously cheesy action film that should not be missed by any and all Van Damme fans. (You laugh, but I know they exist! They are out there, in the world, all around us. Living alongside us, working next to us, eating dinner in the same restaurants. It's enough to give you the shivers.) While it doesn't come anywhere near the classic status of "Bloodsport" or "Kickboxer," it is still a worthy addition to Van Damme's increasingly sad acting resume. So I suppose I'll give this bad boy.... THREE OUT OF FIVE 'RADS!'

"Hard Target" easily falls under the "so bad it's good" category and should keep you entertained for an hour and a half. Even if you're not a huge fan of this cheesy action-fest, you could do a lot worse. You could watch "Street Fighter: the Movie," or "Knock-Off," or "Double Impact," or ... well, you get the idea.

For more human-hunting hijinks, check out these films:
The Most Dangerous Game (1932)
Surviving the Game (1994)
Bloodlust (1961)

Van-Damme trivia:

While nearly all action stars have been in films where they've portrayed two look-alike characters, usually twin brothers, Van Damme has the distinction of doing it three times! He played twin brothers in "Maximum Risk" (1996), "Double Impact" (1991), and played a serial killer/serial killer clone in "Replicant" (2001).

Van Damme's first theatrical role was as the "Gay Karate Guy" in "Monaco Forever" (1984). Hahaha!

Van Damme was originally going to portray the monster in "Predator" but was apparently fired for being a little bitch. Thankfully the role went to the vastly more talented, yet extremely underappreciated, Kevin Peter Hall.

Van Damme won a Razzie Award in 1998 for "Worst Screen Couple." The award was shared by "Double Impact" co-star Dennis Rodman.

Points to Ponder:
What is that weird bump on Jean Claude's forehead? And is it me, or is that thing getting bigger?!

Jean Claude's latest film is called JCVD. Since I can't find much info about it right now as it is currently in production, I'm stumped as to what that acronym could mean. Does it mean JESUS CHRIST! Venereal Disease?! The mind boggles!


Well this concludes episode I of my cinematic adventures. I hope you've enjoyed it and hope that I can keep the momentum going. Thanks for reading!

Ah heck, I couldn't help myself and found some fun Van Damme stuff on Youtube. Here are Van Damme getting a boner on a French TV show and Van Damme being "the Gay Karate Guy" from "Manaco Forever." Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Death Star Cantina! Hahaha!

What happens when Eddie Izzard and animated Lego toys combine? Comic genius, that's what!


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The new review template is a go!

After weeks of failed attempts to get my butt in gear, I finally updated the current batch of reviews at the Vault with the new template. Along the way I did a bit of extra work on the reviews so that they would be better. I've also added some little goodies here and there (like a mini-section entitled "THE VAULT MASTER PRESENTS - THE BITTER END" in which I deliver my own brand of justice to films that have lousy or unfulfilling endings) so take a gander at the reviews in the Vault archives and let me know what you think.

This is step one towards changing up the entire site. My next goal is to change the color scheme and look of the rest of the site to better match the reviews and forums. Hopefully this task (and more) will be accomplished before January is through.

That's it for tonight gang, I'm going to bed. G'night b-movie fans! :-D

Friday, January 4, 2008

Spammers beware......

For the past couple of weeks I've been getting Spam from a gmail account. At first I just deleted the e-mails and went on with my life, but lately, they've begun hitting my inbox more frequently and at a greater volume. Today, whilst cleaning out the offending spam e-mails, I decided to take action. My first step was to register with and report the offender. My abuse report was issued mere moments ago, and sent not only to SpamCop, but to Google's Abuse Team as well. With that done, I decided to drop a friendly e-mail to the spammer in question. Here is what it said:

Dear Spammer,
This is a polite request for you to stop sending me Commodity One e-mail offers. I don't know why I get them, but I do, and I find them annoying. I have already contacted Google's e-mail abuse team via SmapCop, so you should be hearing from them within a week or two, and hopefully will be banned from your current gmail account, and future gmail accounts as well. If you continue to send e-mails, I will continue to report you until action is taken. That is not a threat, but a promise.

Thank you for your consideration in halting the consistent flow of junk e-mail into my inbox. If you keep sending spam, then may ye burn in Hell for all eternity.

Very Sincerely Yours,
Jordan Garren

Caretaker of The B-Movie Film Vault:
Fighting the Good Fight for B-Movie Lovers Since June 6, 2000!

For now, I'll just have to wait and see if anything is done about this annoying sender of spam. If not, I'll have to go covert, infiltrate their secret organization, and terminate them with extreme prejudice.

Also, in non-spamming news, I updated my reviews for "The Monster Squad" and "The Johnsons" last night. That only leaves three more full-fledged reviews to update to the new template. Once that is done, I will upload them to the server for all the world to see! Then begins the work on the rest of the site. In addition, I really need to write up a new review or two, as well as some capsules in order to get visitation to the Vault back up to its normal state. In regards to the capsule reviews, I haven't come up with a surefire format for them yet, but I think I'm very close to a template I'm happy with.

Well that's all gang! I'm off to work now, then I'll have the next three days off. I'm spending a lot of time with my best bud Chris because he is going away to Kutztown University next week to begin enjoying some higher learning. Wish him luck!

Also, his departure means that I'll need a new best friend. Send all "I wanna be your best friend" applications to! Club benefits include long hangout sessions involving movies, video games, visits to movie theaters; thriftless spending of money on unnecessary toys, movies, video games, and electronic devices; most importantly, you will be granted access to my amazingly gi-normous DVD collection.

Hahahaha. Just kidding actually. Chris is irreplaceable, and even if he could be replaced, "getting in good" with me, and being allowed to actually borrow movies from me, the DVD Miser, takes a great deal of time. Adios fellow b-moviephiles and keep fighting the good fight!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Welcome to 2008.

Well its a new year, and I've already started to break my Resolutions. (They are so hard to keep! Especially when you're surrounded by junk food, day in and day out.) My Christmas Party went well, and New Year's was nice and quiet. I got a lot of cool gifts (the Nintendo Wii and City of Heroes/City of Villains being the top two), added some movies to my growing collection (thank goodness for gift cards!), and I am so glad that the holidays are over with because I am exhausted. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.... what have you.

I hope all of you other b-movie fans have had a wonderful holiday season, and hope that you can hold to your New Year's resolutions far better than I can. The Vault has been gathering dust (and flies) lately, and I've been kicking myself for letting it go for so long. While November of 2007 was a triumph for the Vault (well over 7,000 unique visitors to the site), December was a sad month, with only 4,000 or so unique visitors. So hang in there a bit longer because I am going to start working on the site again. The new review template is almost in place in all of the older reviews and the Forums are still pretty active (well, as active as can be with only six people), so at least I got that going for me. ;-)

In the meantime, if you're sick of my lack of updates, please direct your traffic to Andrew has just started up a Badmovies.Org PODCAST and the "pilot" episode is now online. Just make sure you're not drinking anything while listening to it. ;-)

Happy New Year b-movie fans!