Vault Master's Top Ten Most Ridiculous Shark Movie Moments!

Greetings fellow b-movie fans, and welcome to a very special top ten list. Since today marks the 35th anniversary of JAWS' release in theaters, I joined forces with like-minded online reviewers to pay tribute to Spielberg's 1975 classic and all the films that followed in its wake. While many of my fellow scribes have been focusing on praising JAWS and other killer shark films, I decided that I'd go the different route and glorify the most absurd and stupefying moments in shark cinema history! So let's dive right in and start off with the poppa of all Summer blockbusters.....

10. JAWS (1975) - THE IMPOSSIBLE EXPLODING SHARK!
Synopsis: A huge Great White dines on the denizens of Amity Island until the police chief, a marine biologist, and an old sea captain, with an axe to grind against sharks, join forces to hunt down the rogue fish.

Most Ridiculous Moment: For a film that relatively stays grounded in reality, it suddenly goes into "ridiculous mode" right at the explosive climax. Chief Brody hangs precariously onto the mast of the sinking "Orca" and fires an old World War II rifle (M-1 Garand?) at a charging Great White Shark that has a tank of compressed air in its mouth. Naturally Brody defies the odds, fires a lucky shot, and blows the offending marine monster to smithereens.

Why It Is Ridiculous: Besides Brody's one-in-a-million shot, there are a few things that just don't add up here. Sharks are known to eat just about anything, hell, they state that earlier in JAWS when Matt Hooper and Brody perform an autopsy on a Tiger Shark. So why didn't the goddamned Great White swallow the air tank? Because having it keel over from a sudden poison-induced heart attack isn't nearly as exciting. (SPOILER: That's how the shark dies in Peter Benchley's novel.)

To further put the kibosh on this scenario, the Mythbusters Team did an episode where they attempted to blow up a scuba tank full of compressed air with a shot from a rifle. Needless to say, it did not create a huge explosion. Check out the full test results HERE.

Still, I would not have the film end any other way. There's something very satisfying about seeing an unexpected hero totally decimate the seemingly unconquerable villain at the end of the film.




9. JAWS 2 (1978) - SHARK TURNED SLASHER!
Synopsis: A second Great White Shark comes to Amity for dinner. Not only is this one bigger than its predecessor, but it is downright diabolical. After terrorizing, and occasionally dining on, a group of stranded teenage boaters, the villainous shark gets its comeuppance at the hands of Chief Brody. Utilizing a powerline that he drug up from the ocean depths, Brody tempts the shark into chomping on the wire, thus electrocuting the offending fish.

Most Ridiculous Moment: The moment when the shark becomes "SCARFACE-JAWS." Early on in the film, the Great White chases after a water-skier and manages to nab her. Then it goes after the woman driving the boat. In a fit of desperation, said woman douses the shark, the boat, and herself with gasoline, then fires a flare gun at point blank range, into the shark's mouth. This blows her and the boat up real good, but only manages to horrifically burn half of the shark's face, resulting in the first ever Great White Shark in need of a "Phantom of the Opera" mask.

Why It Is Ridiculous: The screenwriters decided to make the shark in this film a horror movie slasher villain. First it is physically deformed in the aforementioned explosion, then it scares a man near to death, murders a killer whale, and begins a campaign of terror against a group of teenagers that are out boating. This movie follows slasher film conventions so closely at times that I was waiting for the shark to don a hockey mask during the third act. Heck, I wouldn't have been surprised if it came back to life and dined on Chief Brody's brains after he electrocuted it during the climax.


8. L'ULTIMO SQUALO (a.k.a. THE LAST SHARK, a.k.a. GREAT WHITE - 1981) - WILL THE REAL CAPTAIN QUINT, PLEASE STAND UP?
Synopsis: A thirty-five foot Great White stakes a claim off the shores of Port Harbor. The Mayor naturally refuses to close the beaches so James Franciscus (Chief Brody-lite) and Vic Morrow (Diet Quint) head out in a boat and attempt to bring the murderous shark to justice.

Most Ridiculous Moment: Aside from being so derivative of JAWS (and JAWS 2) that it got taken out of U.S. theaters and banned from seeing a legit release in America? How about casting Vic Morrow as Ron Hamer, a dead ringer for Robert Shaw's "Quint" from JAWS? There's almost no disguising who Vic Morrow is supposed to be, and every time he is on the screen, you can't help but be distracted by his presence. ("Hey isn't that....? Nope. Just Vic Morrow. Sigh....")

Why It Is Ridiculous: As if it weren't bad enough that at least sixty percent of The Last Shark was cribbed from Spielberg's movie, the film makers decide to put a prominent mustachioed actor in the same exact role as Robert Shaw. That alone probably sent Universal into a fit of rage. Plus, Morrow's role is made all the more ludicrous by the fact that he is (usually unsuccessfully) aping Robert Shaw's accent from JAWS.




7. DEEP BLUE SEA (1999) - "THEY ATE ME! A MOTHERF*CKING SHARK ATE ME!"
Synopsis: Researchers in an underwater facility, in their crusade for a cure for cancer and other deadly diseases (because shark's are immune to every disease known to man), mix human and shark DNA, resulting in super-smart undersea predators. Eventually the sharks manage to force their way into the facility, and are soon swimming about and chomping on all the members of the cast that weren't top-billed.... or named L.L. Cool J. Eventually, the last of the sharks attempts to escape out into open sea, and its up to a second-rate rap artist, and a second-rate "Punisher" to stop it!

Most Ridiculous Moment: Oy! There are so many moments in the film that are jaw-droppingly stupid and ridiculous, but I think the real show-stopper here is Samuel L. Jackson's big survival speech / pep talk to the terrified scientists in the undersea lab. His speech is so grand, that everyone in the movie (and probably everyone watching the film) are convinced that survival is an option. And then a fig bucking super-intelligent Mako Shark leaps out of the water behind him. The shark drags Sam Jackson back into the water and chomps the everliving shit out of him, thus crushing anyone's hopes of escaping this insane scenario alive.

Why It Is Ridiculous: Few films are ballsy enough to kill a main character off, especially when he or she is making a speech and attempting to get people to cooperate with one another in order to survive, or just overcome an obstacle. Renny Harlin and friends pretty much said "f*@k that" and decided to not only interrupt Sam Jackson's rousing speech, but do so with a huge CGI shark. It's hilarious and totally unexpected if you're a first time viewer, and pretty much lays the groundwork for what you can expect as this goofy action film plays out.




6. JAWS 3D (1983) - "MANIMAL GRENADIER!"
Synopsis: Michael Brody (Dennis Quaid) and company discover that a Great White has snuck into their Sea World theme park and snacked on a few folks. They manage to capture the beast (which is rather small to be the antagonist of the film, dontcha think?) but alas, it dies in captivity. Turns out that they basically kidnapped and killed "JAWS JR." and soon its much bigger, and angrier momma is out and about and creating havoc throughout the park. Eventually, the shark is destroyed because it apparently couldn't swallow a scuba diver that was armed with a grenade.

Most Ridiculous Moment: There's a lot of scenes that really fit the bill, but I think the winner here is at the explosive climax of the film. During the third act of JAWS 3D, a character named Philip FitzRoyce (played by Simon MacCorkindale, a.k.a. Manimal!) attempts to destroy the Great White by tossing a grenade into its mouth while it is trapped. His plan fails, and he soon discovers himself in the gullet of the mighty fish. But rather than getting swallowed (or even chewed), Philip is crushed within the shark's body and remains visible whenever the animal opens its mouth. Oh, and his lifeless body is still clenching that handy grenade. Naturally Mike Brody notices this at the film's finale, and manages to pull the pin on the grenade, causing the shark to explode! Doh!

Why It Is Ridiculous: Because the shark would have chomped down "Manimal" and swallowed the unlucky S.O.B. whole! If anything, the guy should have pulled the pin when he realized he was about to be swallowed before entering the shark's mouth and having its throat muscles pound him into jelly. Regardless, he would have been swallowed entirely, leaving absolutely no "Achilles Heel" in plain site for the main hero of the movie to take advantage of. Stupid movie sharks; start swallowing your damned victims!


5. JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987) - ROARING SHARK RANDOMLY EXPLODES!
Synopsis: Totally ignoring the events of JAWS 3D, this film has the cursed Brody clan coming together in the Bahamas after one of their own is eaten by a poorly constructed robotic Great White. The shark attempts to kill only members of the Brody household but ultimately fails in its unexplained quest and fuels the ire of Mike Brody's mother, Ellen, who goes out to sea in order to challenge, and somehow defeat, her aquatic foe.

Most Ridiculous Moment: This was a tough call because so many things in this movie are one-hundred percent idiotic such as Reggae Mario Van Peebles, Michael Caine as a character named "Hoagie," and of course, the giant, roaring, telepathic Great White Shark! The moment where the movie totally falls apart under the enormous weight of sheer stupidity occurs right at the end when Ellen drives the front of the boat she's sailing into the side of the leaping, roaring Great White. For some inexplicable reason, the shark EXPLODES! (Or rather, an awfully poor miniature of a shark explodes!) No explosives were utilized in this final, desperate attack on the shark mind you; it just blows up real good because a pointy piece of wood was forcefully jabbed into its body.

Why It Is Ridiculous: There's nothing to explain here. The exploding shark scene (added in because test audiences didn't care for the "shark spews blood and sinks to its death" ending) is completely ludicrous and defies explanation. F*ck this scene, and f*ck this horrible movie!


4. A*P*E (1976) - KOREAN KING KONG VS. JAWS, ON THE CHEAP!
Synopsis: A giant ape escapes from an exploding toy boat and wades toward South Korea, briefly battles a shark, and then wanders onto the coast of South Korea, where it gets into all sorts of trouble. Eighty minutes of terrible 3D effects and bargain basement city-stomping later, the mighty guy-in-ape-suit flips off the Korean military before it is destroyed.

Most Ridiculous Moment: For the sake of being on this list, I have to say that the most ridiculous moment of A*P*E is when the Kong-wannabee fights with a "Great White Shark." (i.e. "King Kong vs. JAWS" with next to no budget.) While this may sound cool, it is actually hilariously embarrassing because the guy in the terrible gorilla suit wrestles around with a DEAD SHARK! Even worse, when the mighty gorilla tears the shark's jaws apart, you can clearly see that the poor shark's mouth has already been pre-cut!

Why It Is Ridiculous: BECAUSE A DUDE IN A CHEAP GORILLA SUIT WRESTLES A DEAD SHARK! Need I say more?




3. SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON (2002) - DISCOVERY CHANNEL FOOTAGE KILLS PEOPLE + "THE LINE!"
Synopsis: A ginormous prehistoric shark goes on a rampage and its up to two good-looking "marine biologists" to stop its reign of terror. This movie is the pinnacle of bad shark movies, featuring some of the most hilariously bad effects you'll ever see and.... the most infamous line of dialogue ever delivered!

Most Ridiculous Moment: It's a two way tie between the awful scenes where the impossibly huge shark eats people and THIS AMAZING EXCHANGE OF DIALOGUE!

Why It Is Ridiculous: The shark attack sequences are so horribly done; it's hysterical to watch! Essentially, instead of using fake sharks (animatronic or otherwise) or using (i.e. stealing) footage from other films, the effects artists for Shark Attack 3 decided to go a different route: They digitally inserted people into the mouth of documentary footage of a shark! Here is the result of that "awesome" idea:



As for "the line," that pretty much speaks for itself. Watch it again won't you?


2. MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS (2009) - GIANT PREHISTORIC SHARK VS. EVERYTHING!
Synopsis: I stopped watching Sci-Fi Channel originals a long time ago; life is simply too short to waste on them. Case in point: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. In this aptly titled "epic," a massive shark and octopus, frozen in ice during their last ancient battle, thaw out and go crazy on humanity. Man's weaponry is useless against these two ancient titans, so a plan is developed to get the two creatures to meet up once again so that they can hopefully fight to the death.

Most Ridiculous Moment: Every damned scene that features the shark pretty much makes the cut. It chomps a battleship to pieces, leaps up into the sky to snag an airliner, and takes a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge! No, I'm not making this up! Here's proof:



Why It Is Ridiculous: I don't care how big a f*cking shark gets, it will never EVER be able to pull off any of the crazy shit this CGI monstrosity does, including leaping 15,000 feet into the air to snag a plane!


1. AATANK (1996) - EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF "BOLLYWOOD JAWS!"
Synopsis: A giant, seemingly invulnerable shark begins attacking people near a coastal fishing village. Its up to two kung-fu brothers to stop the giant beast before the village's livelihood is forever ruined! :: Cue Hindi song & dance number ::

Most Ridiculous Moment: Every single frame of this movie qualifies! This is the bizarrest take on the JAWS story I have ever seen and despite the lack of English subtitles, I don't think the film would make much sense anyway. Seriously, during the first hour of watching this epic of insanity, there were three song & dance numbers, two kung-fu battles, one attempted rape, and zero scenes involving a shark. The terribly fake fish shows up around the fifty-minute mark and soon becomes a thorn in everyone's side. Check out the video below to see India's JAWS in action:



Why It Is Ridiculous: Because it was made in India, natch!


Well I hope you enjoyed my top ten most ridiculous moments in shark cinema! Be sure to read more shark-related articles, reviews, and more as SHARKATHALON comes to a close! To read everything shark-related that was posted in the last eight days, click on the image below:

Vault Master's Top Ten Ray Harryhausen Creations!

In anticipation of the new Clash of the Titans (in theaters now!), I sat down and watched the 1981 original, and waxed nostalgic about Ray Harryhausen's still fairly impressive stop-motion effects in that film. Then I began to fondly recall all of the other mythological and prehistoric beasts that he's brought to life and thought, hey, I should do a quick top ten list to celebrate my favorite Harryhausen creations! But doing something like this is more fun when you include a friend, so I invited Bill Adcock from Radiation-Scarred Reviews to join me in my mini quest to honor a true special effects pioneer, and all around awesome guy.

Now, choosing ten creatures, aliens, monsters, and/or dinosaurs from Harryhausen's impressive filmography was not an easy task, and I found myself really hard-pressed to limit my choices. So before I kick things off, here are some honorable mentions that didn't make the final cut:

THE MINOTON - A golden, mechanical Minotaur that was created by the evil Queen Zenobia to be her "hired muscle" in Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. The poor Minoton does not get to do a whole helluva lot, and ends up getting crushed by a huge stone while serving his creator.

THE DRAGON - Though it defeated the mighty Cyclops in battle, this four-legged, fire-breathing menace from 7th Voyage of Sinbad has since been forever eclipsed by his one-eyed opponent. While the dragon's design is nothing new, Harryhausen's work on this mythical beast is nothing short of fantastic!

THE KRAKEN - Oh yeah, I can hear the complaints now. "The Kraken didn't make it into your top ten? Are you serious?!" Sorry gang, I really enjoy seeing this big boy make his grand entrance in Clash of the Titans, but a huge favorite of mine he is not.

KALI - Egads! Another one that should have made my list, but didn't! This multi-armed menace from Golden Voyage of Sinbad gives the heroic sailor and his crew a lot of trouble, and their battle is one of the greatest sword fights ever rendered on film!

THE YMIR - Yes, he didn't make the list either, though he originally was going to. This has to be the most tragic creature in Harryhausen's filmography, as it comes to Earth only to be poked, prodded, and attacked by just about everyone it encounters, until it eventually flips out and has to be put down. Poor Ymir, we hardly knew ye.

So if those are just the honorable mentions, then what fantastical creatures and beings made the final cut? Well let's take a look!

10. The Flying Saucers
Movie of Origin: Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (1956)
Factoid: Tim Burton mimicked the design of Harryhausen's saucers in 1996's sci-fi comedy, Mars Attacks!

In the 1950s, alien invasion films were a dime a dozen. This era in sci-fi film making resulted in numerous classics like The Thing From Another World, War of the Worlds, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and Japanese epics, such as The Mysterians, and The Battle in Outer Space. One of my absolute favorites from this time period though is Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, which featured some of the coolest flying saucers ever put on film! The most impressive thing about the alien ships in the film is that they are in constant movement. (Oddly enough the aliens themselves, realized by men in goofy costumes, are far less interesting than their ships!)

These aren't hubcaps or pie tins on fishing line, these are mechanical harbingers of death that rotate in the air and deliver mass genocide with their satellite dish death-rays! While the destruction caused by the aliens' death rays is impressive, the real showstopper is the climax where the alien ships begin to fall out of the air when humanity rallies against them with a secret weapon. Seeing saucers crash into the Capitol Building and the Washington Monument is more than worth the price of admission, and easily earns the film's flying death machines the number ten spot on this list!



9. The Rhedosaurus
Movie of Origin: The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953)
Factoid: This movie was based off of a Ray Bradbury short story entitled "The Fog Horn."


When you think of atomic monsters, Godzilla is usually the first cinematic beastie that comes to mind. However, the Big-G and other gigantic atom-age monsters owe a lot of their existence (and success) to the star of 1953's The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms! A (fictional) species of dinosaur known as a Rhedosaurus is awakened from suspended animation after an atomic bomb is tested in the Arctic Circle. Eventually the mighty reptile makes its way to civilization, and throws a prehistoric tantrum when it realizes that us puny humans are now the dominant species on Earth. The dinosaur's rampage finally comes to end at Coney Island, after scientists blast the creature with a gun that fires a special "radioactive isotope."

The Rhedosaurus is one of the first giant monsters from Earth's past to terrorize modern man, following in the footsteps of its forefathers: the totally pissed off Brontosaurus from the original (silent) The Lost World and the immortally beloved giant ape King Kong. The Rhedosaurus was one of Harryhausen's first creations and though it lacked the personality of some of the other creatures he brought to life, it still gets big points for being a huge inspiration to the original creators of Godzilla!

Let that sink in for a minute: Had Ray Harryhausen never created the Rhedosaurus, we may never have had Godzilla! What a frightening idea.....



8. The Giant Octopus
Movie of Origin: IT Came from Beneath the Sea (1955)
Factoid: To save money, Ray Harryhausen only gave the aquatic horror from this film six appendages instead of eight.


One of the earliest memories I have from my childhood is watching all sorts of awesome classic creature features during TNT's Summer "Monster Vision" marathons, way before Joe Bob Briggs arrived on the scene with his drive-in totals and awesomely busty mail girl, Honey. It Came From Beneath the Sea was one of the usual suspects, and I loved to watch Harryhausen's "hex-topus" trash San Francisco and violently slap fleeing citizens into the pavement with its mighty tentacles. For the uninitiated, IT is a classic tale of nature running amok, due to mankind's careless attempts to further scientific knowledge.

Atomic bomb tests at sea have polluted the food source of a giant cephalopod, and have chased the creature from its territorial waters. Now angry as hell, with a massive hunger to boot, the tentacled terror begins pulling ships beneath the sea and eventually besieges San Francisco, where it wrecks the Golden Gate Bridge! After its daring attack, the Kraken-sized octopus slumbers in San Francisco Bay where it is killed by a specially designed torpedo. IT features some of Harryhausen's best work, which belies the limited budget he had, and has some amazing scenes of death and destruction.

Decades later, film makers still have yet to create a giant octopus film that comes close to this Harryhausen epic with all their fancy CGI technology. (Ok, I'll admit that I found Deep Rising enjoyable, but seriously name me ONE other giant octopus flick that is even remotely in the same league.) Sorry foolish mortals, but you cannot outdo "The Harryhausen" with your soulless machines! Mwahahahaha!



7. Medusa
Movie of Origin: Clash of the Titans (1981)
Factoid: Clash of the Titans was the last film that Ray Harryhausen and Charles H. Schneer worked on.


Seeing as how the idea for this top ten list was inspired by the remake of Clash of the Titans, you knew that something from the 1981 flick was going to pop up here. Out of all the mythological beasts from the epic original, none impressed me more than Medusa. With her constantly writhing head full o' snakes, her scaly reptilian boobs, rattlesnake tail, and deadly bow & arrow, she was a real terror to behold! Having watched the original recently, I found it to be a bit long and dull in some parts, and though there are all sorts of beasts in this film (a giant Vulture, Pegasus, Calibos, giant scorpions, the Kraken, et al.), Medusa's portion of the film stands out as the most interesting and atmospheric of the bunch. Medusa is one cold, calculated witch, and proves to be the most menacing monster in the film!



6. Talos
Movie of Origin: Jason and the Argonauts (1966)
Factoid: Talos' design was inspired by Sergio Leone's "The Colossus of Rhodes."


Jason and the Argonauts is probably my all-time favorite Harryhausen flick and boasts one of his most famous and memorable creations: The bronze giant known as Talos. This colossus resides on Crete and is, at first sight, completely harmless. But all that changes when a greedy asshole version of Hercules decides to steal some treasures from the pedestal that Talos is resting on. Said treasures belong to the Greek gods, and as soon as Herc grabs a few items, the mighty Talos awakens and chases after the would-be thief and his shipmates. Jason and his crew quickly set sail in the Argo, but are unable to escape in time as Talos blocks their only route and shakes their legendary boat to pieces. With nowhere to run, Jason and his brave men battle and defeat Talos after discovering its (literal) "Achilles Heel," rebuild their ship, and head back on course for the legendary "Golden Fleece!"

Talos is remarkable to watch, but believe it or not, good ole Ray Harryhausen manages to deliver far more impressive stop-motion monstrosities as this film goes on. You'll be seeing some of them further along, so keep reading!



5. Gwangi
Movie of Origin: The Valley of Gwangi (1969)
Factoid: "Gwangi" is a Native American word for "lizard."


Dinosaurs and cowboys make for a pretty good combo in Valley of Gwangi, which succeeds where its predecessor Beast of Hollow Mountain miserably failed. Gwangi is a total blast and features a variety of cool creatures, ranging from the adorable Eohippus, to the mighty and vengeful T-Rex. The movie starts off a bit slow, but really picks up once a group of cowboys discovers a hidden valley, blows open the entrance with dynamite, and blindly charges into a prehistoric landscape full of dinosaurs. The biggest and baddest of the thought-to-be-extinct denizens is a T-Rex (or is he an Allosaurus?) named Gwangi, and they manage to capture the ornery carnivore in one of the most astonishing moments in Harryhausen history. (The famous "Roping of Gwangi" sequence!) They bring the dinosaur back to civilization to be put on display, but Gwangi breaks free (of course!) and goes on a rampage until incinerated within the confines of a church.

Cripes! When will people learn that showcasing a giant creature for profit is just a plain old bad idea?!



4. Mighty Joe Young
Movie of Origin: Mighty Joe Young (1949)
Factoid: Though Willis O'Brien gets top-billing for the effects, Ray Harryhausen did nearly all the stop-motion effects in this film!


With the success of King Kong it wasn't too surprising that other giant ape films would follow. Mighty Joe Young differs from most of those though, because this isn't the usual story of a creature kidnapped from its home and exploited for money. (Though that naturally does happen when Joe is put on display at a nightclub, where he plays tug-of-war with a group of circus strongmen.) Joe is brought over from Africa, willingly enough, by a woman named Jill Young who raised the gorilla since it was a baby. He proves to be quite docile, until one night when a trio of drunks abuse the poor ape, causing it to go well... apeshit!

Joe trashes the nightclub, and fights a pack of lions (what club keeps real lions on display?!) until Jill finally arrives to calm him down. Seeing as how Joe could very well be a menace to society, an order is given to have him "put down." Jill tries to sneak him back to Africa with a little help from some friends, but the plan gets botched and soon Joe is on the loose in L.A.! Luckily, Joe comes across a flaming orphanage, and rescues all the children from the burning structure, thus putting him in the good graces of the law. Unlike the primal fury exhibited by Kong, Joe is quite gentle and Harryhausen does an incredible job of giving this tamer ape some real character and emotion.

And though it wasn't a financial success in its day, Mighty Joe Young has definitely withstood the test of time and is, to me, just as much a classic as the original King Kong.



3. The Cyclops
Movie of Origin: The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)
Factoid: 7th Voyage of Sinbad was the first feature film utilizing stop-motion animation to be in color!


Out of all the monsters in Harryhausen's Sinbad Trilogy, the most memorable one for me is the Cyclops from 7th Voyage of Sinbad. This single-eyed mythical monstrosity resided on the island of Colossa, and guards a magical lamp that contains a genie. Sinbad the sailor ends up crossing swords with the mighty Cyclops because an evil wizard named Sokurah steals said lamp and turns to Sinbad and his men for protection.

The brave sailors escape, but have to return to that accursed island because Sinbad's love, the beautiful Princess Parissa was turned into a Lilliputian, and a major ingredient for the cure resides high in the mountains of the dreaded isle. Sinbad manages to blind and defeat one Cyclops, but luckily there was a spare elsewhere on Colossa. However, this second Cyclops doesn't fare much better as it ends up taking on Sokurah's dragon (one of the honorable mentions at the start of this article) and perishing.

Poor Cyclops... he was probably only one more day from retirement....





2. The Hydra
Movie of Origin: Jason and the Argonauts (1966)
Factoid: Jason and the Argonauts was the first 'A' list Ray Harryhausen film, as all his previous movies were double-billed with other "B" movies.


Out of all the Greek myths, one of my favorites was Hercules' battle with the Hydra! Finding that two new heads grew in the place of each one he took, ole Herc was stumped (pun intended!) until his nephew Iolaus said "Hey uncle, use a torch to burn the stumps after you chop off a head." And thusly, Hercules completed his Second Labour. Imagine my delight when I saw Jason and the Argonauts for the first time and saw the multi-headed nightmare come slithering out of a cave to stop the heroic Jason from claiming the Golden Fleece!

Harryhausen's Hydra is yet another testament to his amazing skills, as all seven heads and the creature's tail are constantly moving in some of the smoothest stop-motion animation you will ever see! Although Jason doesn't start lopping off heads, creating an even bigger threat for himself (not to mention a lot more work for Ray Harryhausen), his duel with the Hydra is still extremely satisfying to watch.



1. Skeletal Warriors
Movie of Origin: 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958) and Jason and the Argonauts (1966)
Factoid: It took Ray Harryhausen a whopping four months to fully animated the skeleton battle in Jason and the Argonauts!


Many of you already "have a bone to pick with me" over some of my choices I'm sure, but very few of you can deny the awesomeness of the amazing re-animated skeletal warriors seen in Jason and the Argonauts and 7th Voyage of Sinbad. In 7th Voyage the evil Sokurah animates a skeleton that was hanging from the ceiling of his dungeon / workshop of mystical wonders.

The skeletal fiend then grabs a sword and shield, and gives Sinbad a lot of grief. However, as it is a skeleton under the control of a magician, it isn't too bright and ends up falling to its doom, off the top of a staircase that leads nowhere! (Ouch, not a good sign when your undead minions die due to bad evil lair designs.)



While that was indeed an impressive display of visual effects for its time (Hell, I still think its incredible!) Ray Harryhausen totally outdid himself eight years later with the "children of the Hydra's teeth," a.k.a. a group of skeletal warriors! Jason and two of his men, Castor and Phalerus, are cornered at some seaside ruins by King Aeetes who suddenly produces a bag of Hydra teeth which he sews across the ground.


The teeth burrow in and seconds later, skeletons armed with swords and shields pop up and begin battling the trio of heroes. Castor and Phelerus fall in battle, and the beleaguered Jason is forced backwards toward the edge of a cliff. Seeing that he has no chance of victory, her takes a leap of faith off the cliff and lands safely in the sea below while his undead attackers simply vanish, never to be seen again.

These bony bastards are my absolute favorite creation by the mastermind known as Ray Harryhausen. Up to this point, Ray's work has been great, but animating over half a dozen skeletons and having them interact on film with flesh and blood actors must have been a daunting task. Thankfully Mr. Harryhausen managed to pull off the effect nicely, resulting in a fantastic battle to the death that will live on in our minds and hearts for many years to come.

For all you who think CGI is the bee's knees, take a look at this awesome display of old school special effects, and respect them! HAIL RAY HARRYHAUSEN, THE KING OF DYNA-MATION!



Well there's my top ten list of my favorite Ray Harryhausen creations! Feel free to comment; share your thoughts and your top ten lists with me. I'd love to see what you have to say! But most importantly, head on over to RADIATION-SCARRED REVIEWS and check out "Bayou" Bill's top ten list! We generally have the same taste in Harryhausen creatures, but I think you'll be pleased to see that our lists remain fairly different!

I'm seeing the new Clash of the Titans tonight, and have my fingers crossed that it doesn't suck, but beforehand I'm going to watch either the original (again) or Jason and the Argonauts in order to get pumped up!

I guess all I have left to say now is..... "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #7 - Christmas Evil (1980)

Christmas Evil (1980)
85 minutes / Color / Rated R
a.k.a. You Better Watch Out, Terror in Toyland

The Plot: Christmas Evil starts out innocently enough as two young boys and their mother watch Santa pop down the chimney with a sack of toys and go about his usual yearly tasks of eating cookies, filling stockings, and placing presents under the tree. After Santa, alerted by one of the giggling children, hops back up the chimney, mom puts the boys to bed, then goes back downstairs while young Philip and Harry argue over the existence of Santa. (Harry believes that they have just witnessed an honest-to-goodness Santa visitation while the more rational Philip thinks it was their dad.)


To set the record straight, Harry decides to have another peek downstairs and accidentally bears witness to some cos-play action! Santa (most likely Harry's dad) is back and preparing to give mom her present if you know what I mean. ("I saw Mommy get felt up by, San-ta Claus!" and "Then, I saw Mom-my tick-le San-ta Claus! Underneath his pubic hair so white!") Understandably confused and disturbed that mom is having a one night stand with a right jolly old elf, Harry runs furiously up the stairs, smashes a snowglobe, and then cuts himself with a jagged piece of glass. Hmm... I wonder if he's going to turn into a psychotic killer in a Santa outfit? Nah! What are the odds of that happening?!

Thirty-three years later, Harry is a real odd duck. He wears Santa pajamas (complete with cap) to bed, listens to Christmas music every day, and not surprisingly, he works on an assembly line at a toy factory. Even stranger.... he keeps his own personal log of naughty and nice children that live in his neighborhood. How does he know if they've been good or not? Oh, he just goes up on the roof of his apartment building with a pair of binoculars and SPIES ON ALL THE CHILDREN! As the film progresses, Harry begins to lose what little grip he has on reality, and on Christmas Eve, he dons an extremely impressive homemade Santa costume (complete with glued-on beard!), loads up his van (which has a sleigh painted on the sides) with toys he stole from his employers, and heads out to spread Christmas cheer.


He breaks into a few homes and then makes a grand entrance at a children's hospital with a van load of gifts. After delivering his generously stolen donation, Harry pulls up and waits outside of a church, anticipating the eventual exit of his employer. You see, Harry isn't too happy with how certain things are being run at the toy factory, and he is ready to PUNISH! his NAUGHTY! boss. Luckily for said executive, a smart-assed (and possibly drunk) gent begins commenting on Santa Harry's outfit and ride. He pushes Harry's buttons and gets the bayonet of a toy soldier to the eye, followed up by a hatchet wound to the skull.

Harry claims two more victims then leaps into his "sleigh" and drives off into the night. Harry next ends up at a Christmas party, where he's eagerly dragged inside by two drunken men. Harry Claus is hesitant at first and seems ready to start killing people again, but after he realizes that everyone there is good-natured and excited to see him, Harry sticks around, hands out gifts, and has a fantastically fun time! (It is really hard to believe he just murdered three people in cold blood.) After dancing around in circles and making merry, Harry announces that he must go, but before he does, he issues a warning to all the children present:

"But now, I want you to remember to stay good boys and girls. Respect your mothers and fathers and do what they tell you. Obey your teachers and learn a whole lot. Now if you do this, I'll make sure you get good presents from me, every year. Haha. But if you're bad boys and girls, your name goes in the bad boys and girls book, and I'll bring you something..... horrible." [awkward silence followed by hearty Santa laughter!]


Harry's Santa charade continues into the night (the crazy bastard even tries to go down a chimney at one point), while the police begin their investigation and show "Santa line-ups" to witnesses of the night's triple homicide. Things eventually come to a head when Harry attempts to give some presents to a group of children. Harry gives them all gifts, while the children's parents look on in horror. One of the adults decides to act brave and approaches Harry with a switchblade in hand, intent on snuffing "the Killer Claus" before he can hurt the children.

In a surprise move, the guy is disarmed by his little daughter, who picks up the knife and gives it to Harry. Backed into a corner and not nearly crazy enough to harm the kids or use them as human shields, Harry makes a run for it and is soon chased after by a torch-wielding mob! (No, I'm not kidding.) He escapes in his van and goes to his brother Philip's house. Phil freaks out and strangles poor confused Harry, then drags his brother's limp (but not lifeless) body out to the van. Harry quickly comes to his senses, peels out of Phil's driveway and races off, only to be cut off by that pesky torch-wielding mob. (Hahahaha. I still can't get over that!)

Harry swerves off the road to avoid hitting anyone and drives off a cliff to his demise...? Wait, what?! Instead of falling to the ground and bursting into flames, Harry's van begins to fly up into the night sky! That is totally surreal and well.... really unexpected. [Vault Master glances at his drink] Did someone spike my tea or did I really see that?

Christmas Evil isn't exactly a horror film per se, but rather a study of a man's emotional and mental breakdown. It's a slow paced movie and it takes forever to get to the good stuff, but there's something oddly endearing about Christmas Evil that keeps me watching every time. Perhaps it’s the bizarre innocence of Harry, who is hell bent on A.) being Santa and B.) getting others to believe in Santa. I guess in a way, he wants to become Santa Claus so that people will believe in him and it is sort of heartbreaking at the film's climax when he fails his ridiculous mission and then gets strangled by his estranged brother.

And speaking of the climax, what a crazy way to end a film! Things remained relatively believable until Harry is chased by a mob of men and women carrying torches. (What, no pitchforks?) After that, its almost as if we are getting pulled into Harry's twisted world where there's a fine line between reality and fantasy. While this kind of negates the horror film aspects of Christmas Evil it definitely gives this movie more depth and makes for an interesting viewing experience. I guess in a way, this film is like a thinking man's "Silent Night, Deadly Night."

Just a side note here: The version I've watched is the short, eight-five minute cut. If you pick this movie up on DVD, get the longer director's cut that is put out by Synapse. They treat their cult films with great respect, and you get to see fifteen additional lovingly-restored minutes of weirdness that is missing from other DVD releases of the film.

Not sure you want to own this flick? Well swing on by Bmovies.com and watch Christmas Evil absolutely free! Just CLICK HERE!

Why it made the list: Because a dude eventually goes insane after seeing his mom getting down and dirty with "Santa" when he was a child. For some reason this causes him to lose his mind at age forty or so, leading to a laundry list of crimes. He steals toys from his workplace by the friggin' truckload, delivers them to good boys and girls, murders three people in cold blood, gets strangled by his brother, then "flies" away from a lynch mob in his magical Christmas sleigh van. Holy sh*t, this is a weird movie! I'm beginning to wonder if it shouldn't be higher up on this list....

Weirdness Factor: WELL ABOVE AVERAGE. Yeah, forget LOW, MEDIUM, and HIGH, because this movie is in a category all its own. Surprisingly, there are in fact far stranger things to come!

I'm definitely not going to be able to finish this top ten list before Christmas arrives (in TWO DAYS! ACK!), but I'll keep on plugging away until I reach my number one pick for the Oddest Cult Christmas film of all time! Next up on the list is a little indie film from '96 that gives an all new meaning to the word "frostbite!"

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #8 - Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
85 minutes / Color / Unrated
a.k.a. Slayride

The Plot: On one fateful Christmas Eve, after being terrified by his thought-to-be-vegetative grandpa (as seen here), a young child named Billy Chapman witnesses the murder of his parents at the hands of a homicidal maniac in a Santa outfit. With apparently no immediate family to take care of him and his baby brother, Billy and his sibling are both shoved into an orphanage that is run by a domineering nun known as Mother Superior. Poor Billy is made an example of more often than not by the oppressive nun, and snaps when she forces him to sit on a Santa's lap one Christmas. Billy shoryukens the confused Santa impersonator then (most likely) gets the beating of a lifetime.


The film jumps ahead ten years, and Billy is now eighteen and has just gotten his first job at the toystore of a gent named Ira Sims. Ira isn't too keen on hiring Billy at first, but the troubled teen proves to be a good worker and earns the honor of being cast as Ira's Santa Claus. Billy quietly threatens squirming children, walks around in a strange daze, then eventually snaps when he witnesses an attempted rape in the stockroom of the toystore. Billy, decked out in Santa garb goes on a small killing spree, violently ending the lives of all of his coworkers before venturing out on Christmas Eve to "PUNISH!" the "NAUGHTY!"

He murders a whorish Linnea Quigley... what's that? Too redundant you say? Oh ok, uh... he murders Linnea Quigley (zing!) and her scrawny boyfriend, beheads a sleigh-riding teenager, and gives a trigger-happy the axe. Sadly, Billy's reign of terror is ended while he tries to exact revenge on the abusive Mother Superior of his orphanage. Just as he's about to "axe her" what she wants for Christmas (my apology for the awful pun), the authorities arrive in time to gun him down... in front of a group of orphans. Worse yet, Billy's little brother Ricky witnesses this, and it causes him to snap, resulting in one of the best/worst sequels in film history! ("GARBAGE DAY!")


Silent Night, Deadly Night is one of the most overlooked and definitely one of the most poorly received film in the slasher sub-genre. Upon its release in 1984, the film was quickly taken out of theaters and shelved by Tri-Star Pictures after a huge public outcry. Parents were pissed off that Santa was being presented as an axe-wielding psycho, and film critics, including the mighty Siskel & Ebert rallied against the film as well. While I can definitely see why everyone made such a big deal (I guess we were a far more innocent and decent society back in the mid-80s?), it is sad to see a film get cast into obscurity because it contained questionable subject matter.


Ballsy advertising aside, this film should not have been pulled from theaters. Tri-Star should have just stuck it out and enjoyed the amount of free press their gutsy holiday-horror flick would have garnered. (As the saying goes, "There' s no such thing as bad press!") But this just goes to show you how different things were twenty-five years ago. Had Silent Night, Deadly Night been released in recent years, it probably would have raked in some cash, if only because curious moviegoers would want to see what all the fuss was about.

Sadly, Silent Night, Deadly Night is still a chore to track down as the Anchor Bay DVD releases have gone out of print. The final three films in the series were recently released, but the original and its ridiculous sequel remain a sacred trophy to cult movie fans. While they aren't impossible to find, both films are (usually) drastically overpriced. Hopefully they'll come back into print in the near future so newer generations of b-movie lovers can enjoy them.

Why it made the list: Because a mentally disturbed young man dressed in a Santa outfit goes on a Christmas Eve killing spree. Unlike most slasher films, there's a reason for Billy's mental defect (guy in Santa suit raped and killed mom and shot dad in the head; old nun abused him during his formative years) and you almost feel bad for the guy, even when he begins to kill indiscriminately. Plus we get two rather deranged scenes that stand out from the rest: The scene where a seemingly comatose grandpa terrifies a very young Billy ("If you see Santa tonight boy you better run! Hee Hee!") and a scene where Billy prepares to murder a little girl until she innocently convinces him that she was "good all year." And that "Santa's Watching" song that plays in the film's intro and during the end credits is just plain strange!

Weirdness Factor: MEDIUM. For some unknown reason, though it was preceded by several other Christmas horror films like Black Christmas (1974) and Christmas Evil (1980), Silent Night, Deadly Night is the only one to suffer the wrath of the general public. The film is odd enough on its own merit, but the fact that parents, film critics, and journalists joined forces to nearly erase this film's existence gives it an extra boost of weirdness!

The next film on the countdown shares some plot similarities with Silent Night, Deadly Night but goes one step further in the peculiarity department. Prepare for another dose of holiday weirdness very soon, with yet another killer Santa film taking the number seven spot on my continued top ten list of Cult Christmas Oddities!

Oh and in case you are not paying attention to your calendars.... FOUR MORE DAYS 'TIL CHRISTMAS!

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #9 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) 81 minutes / Color / Not Rated a.k.a. Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens

The Plot: It is nearly Christmas-time on Earth and Santa is busy cracking the whip on those diligent elves as they make toys for every boy and girl in the world. But little does Jolly Old Saint Nick know that his operation is being closely watched by alien beings, who intend on capturing Father Christmas in order to bring merriment and joy to the children of Mars. The Martians (i.e. men in goofy green costumes with radio-antennae helmets and green facepaint) led by Kimar, invade the North Pole and kidnap Santa by employing their "advanced" arsenal of weaponry, including a robot named Torg (a relative of Gort's perhaps?) and freeze rays.

Not wanting to see any harm come to his elves, Santa gives himself up and heads back to Mars, along with two stowaways named Billy and Betty. On Mars, Santa is put to work making toys for the green-skinned children, but his job is amazingly boring as he only has to hit a button on a machine in order to instantly create toys. However, all is not well on Mars, for an evil soldier named Voldar thinks that Santa will make his people weak and foolish like the Earthlings, so he sets out on a quest to rid Mars of Kris Kringle.


Voldar sabotages Santa's toy machine then kidnaps that right jolly old elf.... who is actually Dropo, the film's odious comic relief character, in Santa drag. How these guys can't figure out that they have the wrong guy is beyond me, but no one ever said that these alien beings were intelligent. In the end, Voldar's anti-Santa coup is thwarted by Billy, Betty, Bomar, and Girmar (Pia Zadora!). That's right, four children with an arsenal of toys, stops an evil Martian warlord who is armed with a raygun.

With (the obviously humiliated) Voldar captured, Santa completes his mission on Mars, then heads home with his two Earth-brat sidekicks, to bring Christmas to all the good boys and girls. God, this movie is so f*cking stupid..... Amazingly, this awful piece of kid-oriented cinema has built up a large cult following over the years, thanks to its appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000, where Joel and the bots give this movie a good riffing. Truthfully, I don't think half of us would be too familiar with this film had it not appeared on MST3K and I think I could live with that.


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is one of the most misleadingly titled films of all time as Santa doesn't declare war on the people of Mars or conquer them in any way. Yeah his good nature and constant Ho-Ho-Ho-ing wins over the majority of his green-skinned captors, but that doesn't really count in my book. The plot is idiotic, the acting atrocious, and the effects and makeup are laughable, but that's partially why this movie has become a staple of many b-movie fans' required Christmas viewing.

As for me though, I'll just stick with that good ole MST3K episode featuring Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and have myself a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!


Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for free online at YouTube. Just CLICK HERE and enjoy this public domain holiday masterpiece! Also be on the look out for a fresh new riff on this film from the Cinematic Titanic crew, which is made up of all the old stars of the Joel-era of Mystery Science Theater 3000.


Why it made the list: Because moronic Martians go through the trouble of invading Earth, just to kidnap an eccentric fat old man who makes toys for children. Why they couldn't just make their own toys and create their own Santa is beyond me, but like I said, these aliens are f*cking stupid! Also, we get a man-in-polar-bear-suit that attacks two kids, a giant cardboard robot, nuclear curtains powered by colored lighbulbs, and a Santa Claus that may be suffering from the effects of Alzheimer's.

Weirdness Factor: LOW. There's more than enough weirdness present to include this film on the list, but the sheer idiocy of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians pales in comparison to the next eight films on the countdown.

Next up is a little Christmas classic from 1984 that was pulled out of theaters two weeks after opening, due to a major public outcry by concerned (i.e. enraged) parents. To learn more about my choice for number eight on this top ten list, check out my recent podcast at the B-Movie Film Vault!

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #10 - Santa vs. the Snowman (2002)

Greetings b-movie fans! Christmas is nearly upon us, and I felt that a new Top Ten List on the site would be a great way to celebrate the holidays! This time around I'm focusing my attention on ten cult films that have a Christmas theme and are weird as Hell! Prepare yourself for ten films featuring miniature monsters, killer Santas, homicidal snowmen, alien invaders, and Wookiees! Happy HELL-idays from The B-Movie Film Vault!
Santa vs. the Snowman 3D (2002)
32 minutes / Color / Not Rated
a.k.a. Julemanden og snemanden

The Plot: A mute snowman accidentally blunders onto Santa's private property and is given a less-than friendly welcome by Kris Kringle's security elves. After escaping from Santa's Workshop, the Snowman decides that he wants to be Santa Claus and plans to take over Father Christmas' operation by force. What follows is an hilarious spoof of the Planet Hoth battle from The Empire Strikes Back (which I absolutely f*cking refuse to call "Episode V!") with snowball-spitting snowmen battling elves that are armed with hot cocoa guns and ride on rocket-powered reindeer!

Though Santa's troops have technological superiority against the icy intruders, they are eventually defeated by the overwhelming number of snowman footsoldiers. Although the Snowman wins the battle, he ultimately loses the war after he realizes that Christmas is better left to Santa. (He learns his lesson after a little girl breaks her "ice dolly" after trying to kiss it and getting her lips stuck to the gift.) In the end, Santa deputizes his former foe as his helper, and together they spread Christmas cheer to all of the good boys and girls.

Created by the always weird Steve Oedekerk (the man behind such "classics" as Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Bat Thumb, Thumb Wars, et al.), this is a fun little CGI epic. The storyline is pretty weak, even for a half-hour animated short, but luckily the animation is well done (it must have looked amazing when played in 3D at I-MAX theaters) and you can't help but love the nods toward (arguably) the best of the films in the Star Wars saga.

For some reason, a lot of my friends seem to despise this holiday oddity, but even the biggest naysayers grudgingly admit to enjoying the recreated Planet Hoth battle between Santa's and the Snowman's forces. This struggle is the highlight of the film and features some truly hilarious homages to the classic sci-fi epic from 1980, and saves this animated short from being just another forgettable Christmas special.

Why it made the list: Because a snowman that can't talk builds an army and attacks Santa Claus Imperial Snowtrooper-style! This could have been a goofy and generic battle between two holiday icons (the unnamed Snowman is obviously substituting for Frosty the Snowman) but Santa vs. the Snowman takes things up a notch. What starts out as a mere snowball fight quickly turns into a massive battle that ends with a duel between a giant ice monster and a giant fire-breathing nutcracker that is piloted by Santa Claus! Need I say more?

Weirdness Factor: LOW. Since this is a family-friendly short film that is mainly aimed at children (don't worry, there's a few jokes tossed in for us adults), this really isn't too weird, but there's enough of Steve Oedekerk's oddness in this to earn Santa vs. the Snowman the number ten spot on my list.

The next film in the countdown should be familiar to you, especially if you are a fan of MST3K. That leaves two possibilities, so check back very soon to see if your guess is correct. And just in case you're not keeping track: EIGHT DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #1 - JAWS (1975)

JAWS (1975)
124 minutes / Color / Rated PG

The Culprit(s): A 25-foot (rogue) Great White Shark that has acquired a taste for humans... the other, other white meat.

The Plot: Surprised that this made number one? Yeah, I didn't think so. "JAWS" basically set up the template for all the sequels and knock-offs that were spawned after its release, and has rightfully earned its status as a true cinematic classic. This tale of "nature run amok" centers around a small island community off the coast of New York called Amity. It's a quiet little village that relies on Summer tourism to get by each year, but things quickly go bad for the islanders once a rogue Great White shark begins snacking on locals and tourists alike. After claiming several victims, the beaches are shut down, and a shark hunter named Quint (Robert Shaw) is hired to track down and kill the offending fish.


Along with Amity Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) and a marine biologist named Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss), Quint sails out in his boat ("The Orca!") in search of the elusive man-eating shark. The trio of men cross swords with the mighty creature and trade blows, which eventually results in one tired and angry shark and one crippled boat. As the battle continues, Quint is devoured by his finned opponent, leaving Chief Brody (who ironically is terrified of the water) to continue the fight whilst clinging to the mast of the sinking "Orca."

In a totally unlikely scenario (as disproved on Mythbusters) Chief Brody manages to kill the Great White by shooting the tank of compressed air that was hanging from the shark's mouth. The bullet causes the tank, and the shark, to explode, which allows Brody and Matt Hooper (who miraculously survived the Great White's wrath by hiding underwater) to swim back to Amity to share the good news.

Based on Peter Benchley's novel of the same name, "JAWS" is an excellent character-driven film with effects that still hold up well today. The best part of the movie (aside from the chilling shark attacks) is the bonding experience between the film's trio of heroes. Quint, Brody, and Hooper all come from different backgrounds and have their own reasons for going on their dangerous mission, and its neat to see them pull together against a common foe, and occasionally have a bit of fun.

Quint is a former World War II vet that was on the ill-fated U.S.S. Indianapolis, which was sunk by a Japanese submarine in shark infested waters. Though he never comes out and says it, you get the feeling that he has an axe to grind against any and every shark in the sea since that fateful experience.



Hooper is on the opposite end of the spectrum and "loves sharks." He's been a fascinated with sharks since his childhood and thinks that they are graceful, misunderstood creatures. He joins the hunt for the elusive Great White mainly out of scientific curiosity, but also because he knows that the killing won't end until the shark is caught and destroyed. Lastly there's Chief Brody who is terrified of going into the water. He goes along on the trip because of his strong sense of duty to the town and to his family. All in all, he has to be the bravest person in this film because he overcomes his fears and ultimately saves the day.

You really get to like all three of these guys and you want to see them pull through the ordeal in one piece because you care about them. And that is the result of good writing and good acting folks, which helps make this film so damned near perfect. In an age where effects and budget seem more important than the script and talent, its good to know that we can still go back and watch films from a time when studios gave a damn about what they put out in theaters. Long live "JAWS" and may it continue to mystify (and terrify) younger generations for many years to come!


Why it made the list: Do I really need to explain? This movie basically created the template for almost every killer animal flick made over the last four decades. I mean, hell, look at the previous ten films that I put on this list, and you'll see that half of them are basically "JAWS" with another murderous animal replacing the Great White as the lead antagonist. This movie set a standard, broke box office records, kick-started Steven Spielberg's impressive career, and resulted in the perennial Summer blockbuster season that we've all become accustomed to. For better or worse, "JAWS" brought some major changes to the film industry.



Why YOU should watch it: Really? You haven't seen "JAWS?!" You been living in a cave?!

While it looks a bit dated now, "JAWS" has aged well, and Spielberg's "less is more" approach with the shark works so damned perfectly. (Of course, he had to take that route because Bruce the mechanical shark never seemed to want to work. Luckily Bruce did work often enough for Spielberg and company to get the job done.) Along with an amazing cast of memorable characters, and an effective (yet simplistic) musical score by John Williams, this is a must see film that should make you think twice about going for a swim.

Is it worthy of a remake? NO! LEAVE THIS MOVIE ALONE HOLLYWOOD! If I hear that a remake is in the works, I think I may very well "go Frank Castle" and punish those who would corrupt and tarnish the image of the original. If you want, do a new sequel ("JAWS 5" talk occasionally makes its rounds around the web every now and again), that's cool by me, but leave the original alone! There's not really much you can do to improve upon it so please, let it be!



The "JAWS" Legacy continues: Along with three sequels that became increasingly worse as the series progressed, (the final film, "Jaws: The Revenge" is horrid!), "JAWS" has spawned numerous knock-offs, such as the notorious "The Last Shark" which was actually pulled out of American theaters and banned after its release, for being "too derivative" of Spielberg's film. However, the influence of "JAWS" has transcended mere celluloid and has embedded itself into pop culture for all time. Even today, references to "JAWS" pop up in magazines, films, and books and the mighty Great White was even made into an impressive-looking toy by the folks over at McFarlane Toys for their "Movie Maniacs" (4) series.

"JAWS" has also been made into two awful video games (the notoriously bad "JAWS" released by LJN way back in the day for the original NES and "JAWS Unleashed" for PS2 and X-BOX), and has inspired a slew of fan films and tributes on the world wide web. Here is just a taste of the stuff that you can find online:



And believe it or not, there was a "JAWS" parody made called "Blades" which featured a killer lawnmower! Don't believe me? Then feast your eyes upon the following Youtube video:



And most recently, "JAWS" has had the honor of being riffed on by MST3K's Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy. Here's a "greatest hits" compilation of their hilarious Rifftrax commentary:



Well that's all folks! I hope you have enjoyed reading my Top Ten Killer Animal Films countdown! While I'm sure none of you were shocked to see "JAWS" take the number one spot on the list, I do have to say that I am shocked that so many folks haven't disagreed with the films that made the cut. Usually at least ONE person will complain, saying "you should have included this film" or "why isn't this movie higher up on your list?" but surprisingly it seems like I've managed to create a well-balanced list of films that most (if not all) of my readers seem to be happy with.

I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on this top ten list so I may end up doing another one later on down the road, but first, methinks I should get the rest of the B-Movie Film Vault back up to snuff. Thanks for reading, and my sincerest apologies for taking so long to complete this killer animal flick countdown.

Stay tuned for some more new stuff at The Vault, and keep fighting the good fight b-movie fans!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #2 - Razorback (1984)

Razorback (1984)
95 minutes / Color / Rated R

The Culprit(s): A giant man-eating razorback (i.e. a boar) that holds grudges, excels at nighttime ambushes, and doesn't like being taunted by its dinner.

The Plot: An American journalist named Beth Winters travels to the Australian Outback to do a story about the Pet-Pak meat plant, whose workers have been allegedly killing off the area's population of kangaroos in order to provide American and other countries with an affordable pet food. (My theory is that the kangaroo meat was actually being shipped to various McDonald's restaraunts.) Beth steps on too many toes in the small outback town she is staying in, and ends up on the wrong side of two "Road Warrior" rejects named Dicko and Benny. They run her off the road late at night, but their attack and attempted rape is cut short when a giant Razorback steps in to save Beth.... for its dinner! After Beth becomes pig chow, her despairing hubby, Carl Winters, shows up and begins searching for some answers.



He's pointed in the direction of a crazy old man who kills razorbacks for a living (mainly because a certain giant razorback ate his grandson in the film's opening sequence), named Jake Cullen. Eventually Carl discovers what really happened to his missing wife (few things are as depressing as having someone tell you that they found your wife's wedding ring in a huge pile of Razorback feces), and decides to exact a little vigilante justice, first on Dicko and Benny Baker, then on the monstrous warthog that ate his beloved. Carl is a good guy though, and he can't bring himself to murder anyone in cold blood, even if they deserve it. Still, he does manage to make sure that Dicko and Benny bite the dust (one falls down a mineshaft, the other is eaten by the razorback), and then destroys the scourge of the Australian wastes, by luring it into a giant "garbage disposal."



Why it made the list: Most people know Russell Mulcahy for being the director of the "Highlander" (the only good film in that particular franchise), but few are even vaguely familiar with this Aussie take on the "JAWS" tale. This film is a well-crafted thriller that wanders into total mind-f*ck territory a few times, and the lead antagonist (the giant razorback) is a rather awe-inspiring creation. What's sort of odd about this film is that the giant pig takes a backseat to all the human drama, and while that would seem to be a bad move, it actually works here. And oddly enough, the best part of the movie has to be the beautiful camerawork and cinematography, which adds a layer of depth to the proceedings, especially when Carl gets lost in the hellish Australian outback.

The intense heat from the sun and lack of water causes Carl to begin hallucinating, which leads to some strange and intensely eerie moments, especially when he is assailed by the rotting remains of a horse that bursts out of the ground! (This actually used to give me nightmares when I was a kid.) The acting is decent all around, which is good because this is essentially a character-driven film, and the razorback itself is pretty damned impressive. The super-swine was brought to life with some very effective animatronics, and while you wouldn't think a giant warthog could be a terrifying monster in a film, I beg to differ. The razorback proves to be a ferocious and intelligent beast, and its single-minded tenacity is quite frightening. If this thing is hungry, it will bash its way through the wall of a house, or the side of a car, just to get the tasty human treats inside!

Aside from the giant flesh-eating pig and the trippy hallucinogenic moments found throughout the film, the one thing I found profoundly strange was the sort of "Mad Max" vibe the film took on. Dust and sand are everywhere in the sparsely populated town this movie takes place in, and apparently everyone either drives broken-down vehicles, or heavily armored trucks that look like they came right out of "The Road Warrior." Hell, the townsfolk and the employees at the Pen-Pak plant look like they just stepped out of the friggin' Thunderdome!

This movie is a true outsider in the realm of killer animal films because unlike the rest, it has definite art-house appeal, and somehow that works in the movie's favor. Trippy visuals, gorgeous cinematography, and an odd, yet memorable soundtrack (by Iva Davies) makes "Razorback" one of the strangest (and prettiest) films in the nature strikes back sub-genre.

Why YOU should watch it: Its trippy art-house appeal aside, "Razorback" is still a film about a giant killer pig and that alone makes it worth watching. Sure there have been films in the past where people have been devoured by hungry swine ("Hannibal," "Rambo," and "Daddy's Deadly Darling" all come to mind), but this is the only film in which the man-eating hog actually bursts through obstacles to obtain the delicacy that is human flesh.

I think that all you really have to do to fall in love with this movie (or at least open up that closed mind of yours), is to watch the first ten minutes of it. Aside from the great lighting schemes and creepy visuals, we get to witness a giant boar bursting through a house in order to obtain its prize: a young child! That's right folks, a little boy is violently kidnapped and carried off by a giant pig in the opening moments of "Razorback!"



Along with the sequence where Carl Winters starts hallucinating while lost in the outback, this is one seriously crazy film that bears at least two viewings. (Once when you are completely sane and sober, and once when you are inebriated or in a "higher state of mind.") Plus it was made by the guy that directed "Highlander," so how could you possibly go wrong?!

Is it worthy of a remake? Hell no! This movie is an underrated and oft-forgotten classic that doesn't deserve to be sullied by a retarded redo. Sure the story can be recreated, and the effects can be improved upon, but no one will ever be able to recapture the film's "fever dream" vibe. Seeing as how "Razorback" is completely out of print, I don't think we'll have to worry about a remake any time soon.

Then again..... if a remake were in the works, that would almost guarantee a nice deluxe special edition DVD of the original film.... NO! I must not be tempted! As much as I want a legit Region 1 DVD of "Razorback," I don't want it to be remade! (Fie on you Hollywood if you dare to rape this piece of art!)

Well it's almost here b-movie fans... the number one pick for my all-time favorite killer animal flick! Rather than hand out my usual (hackneyed) hints, I'm just going to make you sweat it out until I type up my final article for this countdown. And really, why should I have to give you a hint when you probably already know what holds the top spot on this list. Check back soon, to see if your suspicions are indeed correct!