BMovies.com is BACK!

After shutting down due to skyrocketing prices for the massive bandwidth needed to keep such an awesome site online, I'm happy to say that BMovies.com is back on the web! This site streams hundreds of cult flicks to your computer for FREE with no membership required, and the webmaster has just uploaded a slew of cool holiday-themed flicks for your viewing pleasure, including "Christmas Evil," "Don't Open Till Christmas," and "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." Make sure to pay BMovies.com a visit and support it in any way you can!

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #8 - Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
85 minutes / Color / Unrated
a.k.a. Slayride

The Plot: On one fateful Christmas Eve, after being terrified by his thought-to-be-vegetative grandpa (as seen here), a young child named Billy Chapman witnesses the murder of his parents at the hands of a homicidal maniac in a Santa outfit. With apparently no immediate family to take care of him and his baby brother, Billy and his sibling are both shoved into an orphanage that is run by a domineering nun known as Mother Superior. Poor Billy is made an example of more often than not by the oppressive nun, and snaps when she forces him to sit on a Santa's lap one Christmas. Billy shoryukens the confused Santa impersonator then (most likely) gets the beating of a lifetime.


The film jumps ahead ten years, and Billy is now eighteen and has just gotten his first job at the toystore of a gent named Ira Sims. Ira isn't too keen on hiring Billy at first, but the troubled teen proves to be a good worker and earns the honor of being cast as Ira's Santa Claus. Billy quietly threatens squirming children, walks around in a strange daze, then eventually snaps when he witnesses an attempted rape in the stockroom of the toystore. Billy, decked out in Santa garb goes on a small killing spree, violently ending the lives of all of his coworkers before venturing out on Christmas Eve to "PUNISH!" the "NAUGHTY!"

He murders a whorish Linnea Quigley... what's that? Too redundant you say? Oh ok, uh... he murders Linnea Quigley (zing!) and her scrawny boyfriend, beheads a sleigh-riding teenager, and gives a trigger-happy the axe. Sadly, Billy's reign of terror is ended while he tries to exact revenge on the abusive Mother Superior of his orphanage. Just as he's about to "axe her" what she wants for Christmas (my apology for the awful pun), the authorities arrive in time to gun him down... in front of a group of orphans. Worse yet, Billy's little brother Ricky witnesses this, and it causes him to snap, resulting in one of the best/worst sequels in film history! ("GARBAGE DAY!")


Silent Night, Deadly Night is one of the most overlooked and definitely one of the most poorly received film in the slasher sub-genre. Upon its release in 1984, the film was quickly taken out of theaters and shelved by Tri-Star Pictures after a huge public outcry. Parents were pissed off that Santa was being presented as an axe-wielding psycho, and film critics, including the mighty Siskel & Ebert rallied against the film as well. While I can definitely see why everyone made such a big deal (I guess we were a far more innocent and decent society back in the mid-80s?), it is sad to see a film get cast into obscurity because it contained questionable subject matter.


Ballsy advertising aside, this film should not have been pulled from theaters. Tri-Star should have just stuck it out and enjoyed the amount of free press their gutsy holiday-horror flick would have garnered. (As the saying goes, "There' s no such thing as bad press!") But this just goes to show you how different things were twenty-five years ago. Had Silent Night, Deadly Night been released in recent years, it probably would have raked in some cash, if only because curious moviegoers would want to see what all the fuss was about.

Sadly, Silent Night, Deadly Night is still a chore to track down as the Anchor Bay DVD releases have gone out of print. The final three films in the series were recently released, but the original and its ridiculous sequel remain a sacred trophy to cult movie fans. While they aren't impossible to find, both films are (usually) drastically overpriced. Hopefully they'll come back into print in the near future so newer generations of b-movie lovers can enjoy them.

Why it made the list: Because a mentally disturbed young man dressed in a Santa outfit goes on a Christmas Eve killing spree. Unlike most slasher films, there's a reason for Billy's mental defect (guy in Santa suit raped and killed mom and shot dad in the head; old nun abused him during his formative years) and you almost feel bad for the guy, even when he begins to kill indiscriminately. Plus we get two rather deranged scenes that stand out from the rest: The scene where a seemingly comatose grandpa terrifies a very young Billy ("If you see Santa tonight boy you better run! Hee Hee!") and a scene where Billy prepares to murder a little girl until she innocently convinces him that she was "good all year." And that "Santa's Watching" song that plays in the film's intro and during the end credits is just plain strange!

Weirdness Factor: MEDIUM. For some unknown reason, though it was preceded by several other Christmas horror films like Black Christmas (1974) and Christmas Evil (1980), Silent Night, Deadly Night is the only one to suffer the wrath of the general public. The film is odd enough on its own merit, but the fact that parents, film critics, and journalists joined forces to nearly erase this film's existence gives it an extra boost of weirdness!

The next film on the countdown shares some plot similarities with Silent Night, Deadly Night but goes one step further in the peculiarity department. Prepare for another dose of holiday weirdness very soon, with yet another killer Santa film taking the number seven spot on my continued top ten list of Cult Christmas Oddities!

Oh and in case you are not paying attention to your calendars.... FOUR MORE DAYS 'TIL CHRISTMAS!

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #9 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) 81 minutes / Color / Not Rated a.k.a. Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens

The Plot: It is nearly Christmas-time on Earth and Santa is busy cracking the whip on those diligent elves as they make toys for every boy and girl in the world. But little does Jolly Old Saint Nick know that his operation is being closely watched by alien beings, who intend on capturing Father Christmas in order to bring merriment and joy to the children of Mars. The Martians (i.e. men in goofy green costumes with radio-antennae helmets and green facepaint) led by Kimar, invade the North Pole and kidnap Santa by employing their "advanced" arsenal of weaponry, including a robot named Torg (a relative of Gort's perhaps?) and freeze rays.

Not wanting to see any harm come to his elves, Santa gives himself up and heads back to Mars, along with two stowaways named Billy and Betty. On Mars, Santa is put to work making toys for the green-skinned children, but his job is amazingly boring as he only has to hit a button on a machine in order to instantly create toys. However, all is not well on Mars, for an evil soldier named Voldar thinks that Santa will make his people weak and foolish like the Earthlings, so he sets out on a quest to rid Mars of Kris Kringle.


Voldar sabotages Santa's toy machine then kidnaps that right jolly old elf.... who is actually Dropo, the film's odious comic relief character, in Santa drag. How these guys can't figure out that they have the wrong guy is beyond me, but no one ever said that these alien beings were intelligent. In the end, Voldar's anti-Santa coup is thwarted by Billy, Betty, Bomar, and Girmar (Pia Zadora!). That's right, four children with an arsenal of toys, stops an evil Martian warlord who is armed with a raygun.

With (the obviously humiliated) Voldar captured, Santa completes his mission on Mars, then heads home with his two Earth-brat sidekicks, to bring Christmas to all the good boys and girls. God, this movie is so f*cking stupid..... Amazingly, this awful piece of kid-oriented cinema has built up a large cult following over the years, thanks to its appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000, where Joel and the bots give this movie a good riffing. Truthfully, I don't think half of us would be too familiar with this film had it not appeared on MST3K and I think I could live with that.


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is one of the most misleadingly titled films of all time as Santa doesn't declare war on the people of Mars or conquer them in any way. Yeah his good nature and constant Ho-Ho-Ho-ing wins over the majority of his green-skinned captors, but that doesn't really count in my book. The plot is idiotic, the acting atrocious, and the effects and makeup are laughable, but that's partially why this movie has become a staple of many b-movie fans' required Christmas viewing.

As for me though, I'll just stick with that good ole MST3K episode featuring Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and have myself a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!


Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for free online at YouTube. Just CLICK HERE and enjoy this public domain holiday masterpiece! Also be on the look out for a fresh new riff on this film from the Cinematic Titanic crew, which is made up of all the old stars of the Joel-era of Mystery Science Theater 3000.


Why it made the list: Because moronic Martians go through the trouble of invading Earth, just to kidnap an eccentric fat old man who makes toys for children. Why they couldn't just make their own toys and create their own Santa is beyond me, but like I said, these aliens are f*cking stupid! Also, we get a man-in-polar-bear-suit that attacks two kids, a giant cardboard robot, nuclear curtains powered by colored lighbulbs, and a Santa Claus that may be suffering from the effects of Alzheimer's.

Weirdness Factor: LOW. There's more than enough weirdness present to include this film on the list, but the sheer idiocy of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians pales in comparison to the next eight films on the countdown.

Next up is a little Christmas classic from 1984 that was pulled out of theaters two weeks after opening, due to a major public outcry by concerned (i.e. enraged) parents. To learn more about my choice for number eight on this top ten list, check out my recent podcast at the B-Movie Film Vault!

Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #10 - Santa vs. the Snowman (2002)

Greetings b-movie fans! Christmas is nearly upon us, and I felt that a new Top Ten List on the site would be a great way to celebrate the holidays! This time around I'm focusing my attention on ten cult films that have a Christmas theme and are weird as Hell! Prepare yourself for ten films featuring miniature monsters, killer Santas, homicidal snowmen, alien invaders, and Wookiees! Happy HELL-idays from The B-Movie Film Vault!
Santa vs. the Snowman 3D (2002)
32 minutes / Color / Not Rated
a.k.a. Julemanden og snemanden

The Plot: A mute snowman accidentally blunders onto Santa's private property and is given a less-than friendly welcome by Kris Kringle's security elves. After escaping from Santa's Workshop, the Snowman decides that he wants to be Santa Claus and plans to take over Father Christmas' operation by force. What follows is an hilarious spoof of the Planet Hoth battle from The Empire Strikes Back (which I absolutely f*cking refuse to call "Episode V!") with snowball-spitting snowmen battling elves that are armed with hot cocoa guns and ride on rocket-powered reindeer!

Though Santa's troops have technological superiority against the icy intruders, they are eventually defeated by the overwhelming number of snowman footsoldiers. Although the Snowman wins the battle, he ultimately loses the war after he realizes that Christmas is better left to Santa. (He learns his lesson after a little girl breaks her "ice dolly" after trying to kiss it and getting her lips stuck to the gift.) In the end, Santa deputizes his former foe as his helper, and together they spread Christmas cheer to all of the good boys and girls.

Created by the always weird Steve Oedekerk (the man behind such "classics" as Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Bat Thumb, Thumb Wars, et al.), this is a fun little CGI epic. The storyline is pretty weak, even for a half-hour animated short, but luckily the animation is well done (it must have looked amazing when played in 3D at I-MAX theaters) and you can't help but love the nods toward (arguably) the best of the films in the Star Wars saga.

For some reason, a lot of my friends seem to despise this holiday oddity, but even the biggest naysayers grudgingly admit to enjoying the recreated Planet Hoth battle between Santa's and the Snowman's forces. This struggle is the highlight of the film and features some truly hilarious homages to the classic sci-fi epic from 1980, and saves this animated short from being just another forgettable Christmas special.

Why it made the list: Because a snowman that can't talk builds an army and attacks Santa Claus Imperial Snowtrooper-style! This could have been a goofy and generic battle between two holiday icons (the unnamed Snowman is obviously substituting for Frosty the Snowman) but Santa vs. the Snowman takes things up a notch. What starts out as a mere snowball fight quickly turns into a massive battle that ends with a duel between a giant ice monster and a giant fire-breathing nutcracker that is piloted by Santa Claus! Need I say more?

Weirdness Factor: LOW. Since this is a family-friendly short film that is mainly aimed at children (don't worry, there's a few jokes tossed in for us adults), this really isn't too weird, but there's enough of Steve Oedekerk's oddness in this to earn Santa vs. the Snowman the number ten spot on my list.

The next film in the countdown should be familiar to you, especially if you are a fan of MST3K. That leaves two possibilities, so check back very soon to see if your guess is correct. And just in case you're not keeping track: EIGHT DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Christmas Podcast at the Vault!

A new podcast has been uploaded at the Vault for your listening pleasure. This holiday program features an audio review for Silent Night, Deadly Night, the much-maligned horror classic from 1984, complete with audio clips and music from the film! Click here to listen to the B-Movie Film Vault's Christmas Podcast '09!

Stay tuned for some new reviews and a holiday-themed Top Ten List!

New Capsule Review: The Wild Man of the Navidad (2008)!

A mysterious creature terrorizes a rural Texan community in The Wild Man of the Navidad . This bastard child of The Legend of Boggy Creek and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based on the (supposedly) true events as chronicled by a man named Dale S. Rogers, and was not nearly as entertaining as I had been led to believe by fellow online reviewers.



More new content is on the way including more reviews, a new podcast, and (hopefully) a holiday-themed top-ten list, so check back soon b-movie fans!

Rifftrax Live Christmas Extravaganza!!!

Bill Corbett, Mike Nelson, and Kevin Murphy are putting on an all new Rifftrax Live on Wednesday, December 16th (with a rebroadcast on Thursday, December 17th)! The trio will be riffing on various Christmas shorts, digital goodies will be given away, and Weird Al Yankovic will be making a guest appearance. I went to the previous Rifftrax Live and it was amazing, and I've already made plans to see this latest screening. (Hopefully tickets don't sell out before my next payday....)

CLICK HERE to see if this show is playing at a theater near you, and to buy tickets! (Thankfully it is playing near me, at the Cinemark multiplex at the base of "Sno Mountain" in Moosic, PA!